Translating What Men Say Into What Men Mean

He says: "I'll call you."
He means: "I may call you."
This line isn't the slam dunk most women make it out to be. Besides being genuinely interested, there are a slew of reasons why a guy might ask for a number (he needs an ego boost... he wants a quick way to end the conversation... he bet his buddy he could score more digits, etc). The thing to remember here is that if he's into you, he will find a way to call. And, no, emailing, Facebooking or Twittering at him in the meantime isn't going to help your case. Give the guy a chance to pursue you -- if he doesn't, he's not the one for you anyway.

He says: "I like your shirt/necklace/shoes/hair."
He means: "You look good."
He may have an ulterior motive when he compliments you, but that doesn't make the praise any less sincere. The fact is, men are generally terrible at false flattery. Instead of accusing us of feeding you a line (we know we are!), feel good about the fact that we've noticed something about you that's attractive and memorable. Just don't ask us to remember the brand of those cute shoes.

He says: "I've been busy lately."
He means (if you've dated less than six months): "I've lost interest in you."
He means (if you've dated longer than that): "I like you, but I need to focus on other things."
Usually, this is the classic guy blow-off, but there are exceptions. "Don't forget the big picture," cautions Steve Santagati, who offers dating advice at badboysfinishfirst.com. If you've dated for a few months and your guy is usually there for you, don't hit the panic button over his recent short bouts of inattention. "Just because we get distracted by our jobs doesn't mean we don't care anymore," says Santagati.

He says: "I need some space."
He means: "This relationship is moving too fast."
Nobody's thrilled to hear this one, but "I need space" isn't always the kiss of death. Often men get excited about a new relationship and then struggle to turn down the temperature when they're suddenly seeing you six nights a week. First, confirm that he still wants to date. (Any answer besides yes means you should take your toothbrush and get out of there, stat.) Once that's confirmed, revert to early courtship behavior; make him schedule thoughtful dates in order to see you (no 3 A.M. texts). If the spark returns, still insist on a couple of girls-only nights a week for the next several months -- it'll be good for both of you.

He says: "I love spending time with you."
He means: "I love you... I think."
Guys are notoriously hesitant about dropping the L-bomb outright. When your man starts talking about how he loves specific aspects of the relationship, that's probably his way of dipping his toe in those waters. You should feel good about where things stand, even if the three magic words aren't directly uttered. "Guys aren't gifted at translating their feelings fluently to females," Santagati says. "Give a brother a break."

He says: "I don't believe in marriage."
He means: "I'm not going to marry you."
This is one of those maddening statements you simply can't overanalyze. He may truly oppose the institution. He may be immature. He may not care for you deeply enough. In any case, you have a better chance of making out with Brad Pitt than waiting for him to "come around." Either enjoy his company for what it is or move on.

He says: "I want this to last forever."
He means: "I'm really happy right now."
Most things a guy says about the future should be taken with a grain of salt. "When a guy says he likes you, he means he likes you right then and there," Santagati says. That doesn't mean men are unreliable jerks. But it does mean that when it comes to relationship stability, you should look at what your guy is doing instead of focusing on what he's saying. Santagati advises, "You're better off taking an observational stance." Is he physically affectionate? Does he remember things that are important to you? Does he support you when you need it?

- GLAMOUR
www.glamour.com

Reasons to smile

1. Smiling makes us attractive
We are drawn to people who smile. There is an attraction factor. We want to know a smiling person and figure out what is so good. Frowns, scowls and grimaces all push people away, but a smile draws them in.

2.Smiling changes our mood
Next time you are feeling down, try putting on a smile. There's a good chance you mood will change for the better. Smiling can trick the body into helping you change your mood.

3. Smiling is Contagious
When someone is smiling they lighten up the room, change the moods of others, and make things happier. A smiling person brings happiness with them. Smile lots and you will draw people to you.

4. Smiling Relieves Stress
Stress can really show up in our faces. Smiling helps to prevent us from looking tired, worn down, and overwhelmed. When you are stressed, take time to put on a smile. The stress should be reduced and you'll be better able to take action.

5. Smiling Boosts Your Immune System
Smiling helps the immune system to work better. When you smile, immune function improves possibly because you are more relaxed. revent the flu and colds by smiling.

6. Smiling Lowers Your Blood Pressure
When you smile, there is a measurable reduction in your blood pressure. Give it a try if you have a blood pressure monitor at home. Sit for a few minutes, take a reading. Then smile for a minute and take another reading while still smiling. Do you notice a difference?

7. Smiling Releases Endorphins, Natural Pain Killers and Serotonin
Studies have shown that smiling releases endorphins, natural pain killers, and serotonin. Together these three make us feel good. Smiling is a natural drug.

8. Smiling Lifts the Face and Makes You Look Younger
The muscles we use to smile lift the face, making a person appear younger. Don't go for a face lift, just try smiling your way through the day!you'll look younger and feel better.

9. Smiling Makes You Seem Successful
Smiling people appear more confident, are more likely to be promoted, and more likely to be approached. Put on a smile at meetings and appointments and people will react to you differently.

10. Smiling Helps You Stay Positive
Try this test: Smile. Now try to think of something negative without losing the smile. It's hard. When we smile our body is sending the rest of us a message that "Life is Good!" Stay away from depression, stress and worry by smiling.

Fretting over single parent issues

By DINA ZAMAN

MOTHER’S DAY is around the corner, and in June it’ll be Father’s Day. While we will appreciate the day with our parents and families, I do think we should also ap­­plaud a special kind of parent: the Single Parent.

There are many reasons for single parenthood: things just don’t work out, the death of a spouse, a divorce or an errant husband/wife who’s gone missing.

Life as a single parent can be fulfilling and yet challenging. I’m not one, but many of my friends are, and the dynamics of our friendships and relationships are different.

Nothing to complain about – if anything, I salute my single mum and dad friends, because I do not think I would have that strength, humour and courage – and yes, the sensibilities – to be one.

And I have learned one thing about children. They are very resilient.

If meeting up with friends before meant a bunch of single men and women enjoying a night out, or a bunch of friends and their partners having a private dinner in a nice restaurant, these days meeting up means children will be part of the group.

My single parent friends are always apologetic: “The maid’s gone, may I bring ... if it’s not too much trouble?”

As someone who has hosted friends’ pets in her home (don’t ask, long story), having my friends’ children over is a treat.

“You don’t have Astro, Aunty Dina?”

“I don’t watch TV.”

“Your house has no lift, Aunty Dina!”

“I’m poor.”

“Aunty Dina! What kind of apartment is this! No DVD, no Astro, no lift!”

You can’t swear or make sexual innuendoes as children pick up these things fast. (“Eee, Mummy, Uncle said that word! Hahaha!”)

And you learn one thing too: being a single parent can be the best job in the world but also frustrating. Having to deal with a former spouse’s new wife/husband. Fighting over alimony. Messed-up schedules that keep clashing with holidays and work. Still wanting to kill the ex-husband/wife. Two screaming kids wanting toys but not being able to afford it.

While the single mothers have their share of woes, the single father friends I have will encounter, and fret over, such stressful situations as shopping ... for young women’s undergarments.

Text messages asking us girls: “Er, does standing in front of the ladies’ lingerie department while the daughter, er, tries on stuff make me look like a dirty old man?”

Or: “Aaaaaaaaa, Dina, I am confused! Why can’t bras just come in Small, Medium and Large?!”

I don’t even ask how they deal with menstruation or sanitary pads.

Dating single parents or dating for single parents can be ... also interesting. It’s a conundrum that can give anyone a migraine. Even a one hour coffee catch-up can be stressful.

Who’s going to look after my child? Will the date accept me as a single dad/mum?

Yes, even men go through all this hysteria. Even in this day and age, there are parents who want their sons and daughters to date and marry singletons without baggage.

The stigma of being a single parent is worse for women. Sometimes dating one can spring a surprise. Thinking it’ll be a lovely dinner and get-to-know-you-session, you may find a seven-year-old staring curiously at you.

The kid has come on the date. What do you do? You can’t do anything. This is it: you date a single dad, you have to accommodate.

Single parents looking to settling down again can be rabid, too. I’ve been on a date or two and barely survived the interrogation.

Will you make a good mother?

I don’t know, I’ve never been a mother. I’ve had cats though. Does that count?

If things work out between us, can you be a stepmother to my five children?

Aiyo, you got so many ah?

It’s just a first date. Can’t one just have dinner first?

The professional who is a single parent is a walk in the park compared with those who come from underprivileged backgrounds. The drug addict father whose wife has died. The poor single mother with eight children and not a job in sight. The widowed father who has to cope with a failing business and wild children.

Money does help, and when you don’t have it, you get desperate and feel hopeless.

Having met them in the course of duty, I can only wonder how they keep a family and themselves together. Poverty adds to the stigma of single parenthood.

Happy Parents’ Day, my friends. And of course your children. Pat yourselves on the back because you truly deserve it.

Here’s to more cupcakes, soapsuds, tears and laughter. And lastly, may good love come to you. The gang craves for a wedding or two.

Dating Advice: 5 Traits That Bag a Boyfriend

Here are the qualities that make you more desirable to guys. Think of it as your pre-dating to-do list.

1. You're just that into yourself. A woman may have smarts, sensual appeal, and a sense of humor, but if she doesn't have self-confidence, most guys will take a pass. Single women with low self-esteem come across as extremely needy, explains Jim Houran, PhD, relationship psychologist. They have to be the center of attention and are constantly looking for reassurance and compliments. And even if you find a guy who at first is willing to be your personal cheerleader, before long he's probably going to start to agree with all the demeaning stuff you say about yourself and take a hike.

Surprisingly, the way to show you aren't that girl isn't necessarily to promote yourself, but rather to simply display interest and curiosity in the guy, says Houran. He'll take that willingness to share the spotlight and put someone besides yourself first as a sign of confidence.

2. You've got a burning passion... and not just for him. Whether it's a hobby, a job, classes, or a buzzing social life, single men are undeniably attracted to women with clear interests and lots of enthusiasm, according to Houran. It's as easy as dropping a few subtle hints about, say, the adventure you and your friends went on last weekend or how psyched you are to be on a new project at work. The benefits are twofold: The guy won't feel totally responsible for your happiness -- a huge weight to put on a new love interest -- and he'll be more inclined to want to be a part of your multifaceted life.

3. You know how to compromise. This is one of the most important skills to have if you're looking to get into a long-term relationship, emphasizes Houran.
Being flexible is a huge turn-on to guys, since it means less conflict and a smoother partnership in general, he adds. If a guy senses that the girl he's dating isn't willing to try to meet both their needs, he envisions a future of trivial disagreements, fighting, and ultimatums -- not exactly the makings of a happy twosome. Prove you know how to compromise early on by letting him weigh in on the restaurant choice or not acting annoyed if he needs to reschedule plans.

4. You dress for guys, not girls. If you're not turning heads, it could be because you dress to appeal to a woman's taste and not a man's taste. Skinny jeans, babydoll dresses, peasant tops -- all super cute, but you might as well be wearing a Snuggie. Men want to see curves, so stick with boot-cut jeans and a top that shows off your shoulders and waist. Just don't reveal too much, since that can come off as desperate.

5. You're over your ex. Nothing kills a budding romance quicker than being hung up on an old boyfriend. So before you get serious with a new guy, make sure you're not hoping -- or worse, trying -- to get back together with the ex or looking for someone just like him. It's relationship-repelling for two reasons: No eligible bachelor wants to feel like he's in an unwinnable competition, and if you're living in the past, you won't truly be motivated to meet and make a connection with new guys. So ladies, move on and get an upgrade.

Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.

Stupidity in numbers

By A.ASOHAN

Individuals may be idealistic, smart and articulate – until they join a group.

The late grandmaster Isaac Asimov bequeathed two great legacies to the world of science fiction: His three laws of robotics, and his fictional take on the science of “psychohistory”.

In the mundane world, psychohistory is the study of historical events using psychological motivation as its lens. In Asimov’s version, it is a predictive science that uses a combination of psychology and sociology, with a mathematical underpinning using the laws of statistics.

In simpler terms, Asimov posited that you could predict what was going to happen to a society using mathematical formulae. In his Foundation series, the psychohistory pioneer Hari Seldon, with his calculations and foresight, guided the fate and future of an entire galactic civilisation through a few millennia using this tool.

Asimov used gas and the kinetic theory of physics as an analogy – it’s extremely difficult to predict the movement, actions and reactions of a single molecule of gas, yet we can analyse the entirety with a high degree of accuracy.

Sociology, psychohistory – all sciences devoted to studying groups – are all predicated on the belief that while individuals are impossible to pin down, they’re very shallow and easily manipulated when you put enough of them together.

That single devotee of any religion may strive to be forgiving, caring and compassionate. A group of them, however, sees nothing wrong in killing non-believers despite their religion’s teachings to the contrary. Adherents of the faith may be tolerant and accepting; institutions are rarely so. Devotees can find strength in themselves and in their divinity; organisations are usually scared and insecure.

Individual Thais are among the gentlest, warmest, and most gracious people you could ever meet; groups of them were throwing petrol bombs at each other in the capital of Bangkok earlier this week.

While some may truly understand the issues involved – their right to their own government, among others – the rest are just being manoeuvred by media-savvy politicians who know which buttons to push.

Most individual Americans I’ve met have high ethical standards, yet as a society they re-elected a president whose administration saw nothing wrong in invading another land under false pretences, or torturing civilian suspects by just labelling them enemy combatants, or trampling upon civic liberties – in fact, in destroying just about everything the United States stands for.

I have no doubt that many who took part in the illegal assembly organised by the outlawed Hindu Rights Action Force in November of 2007 were genuinely concerned about the marginalisation of an entire cross-section of Malaysian society, and how their plight has been neglected for so many decades.

Yet, going by many photographs on the Internet, some held placards of Mahatma Gandhi in one hand while pelting coppers with stones with the other.

Again, individuals may have been cognisant of the Mahatma’s non-violent non-cooperation model of civil disobedience in India’s struggle for independence, but too many in that group just saw an icon that could be manipulated for emotive oomph.

What an injustice to a great leader. Sure, we can’t expect everyone to have read the dozens of biographies on the Mahatma, but perhaps a required screening of Richard Attenborough’s 1982 multiple award-winning Gandhi may have been in order. Who could not be moved by the scene of the salt march, when demonstrators lined up to be savagely beaten by British troops, all without lifting a single finger in retaliation?

In the movie, the American journalist Walker (Martin Sheen) calls in his story over the telephone, his voice taut and broken with emotion: “They walked, with heads up, without music, or cheering, or any hope of escape from injury or death.

“It went on and on and on. Women carried the wounded bodies from the ditch until they dropped from exhaustion. But still it went on.

“Whatever moral ascendance the West held was lost today. India is free ... for she has taken all that steel and cruelty can give, and she has neither cringed nor retreated.”

Then we come to our local politicians (you knew we would come to this sooner or later, didn’t you?). How many times have we seen a young, charismatic and idealistic young person full of promise join a political party and suddenly become – there’s no other word for it – stupid?

Sure, I know all about playing to the gallery and toeing the party line. I accept none of it as an excuse.

Man is a social animal, true. We need our families, clans, tribes, communities, societies, condominium management committees, and autonomous collectives (despite the violence inherent in the system, as those chaps in Monty Python would tell you).

One’s a person, two’s company, three’s a crowd, four has a certain symmetry, and anything above is a mob. And as the Greek philosopher Diogenes said, the mob is the mother of tyrants.

He was being kind. John Dryden, the 17th century English poet and playwright, said it even better: “A mob is the scum that rises upmost when the nation boils.”

So what can I say? Being in a group is nice, but maintain your individuality. After all, it is what makes you, well, you.

- THE STAR