Fretting over single parent issues

By DINA ZAMAN

MOTHER’S DAY is around the corner, and in June it’ll be Father’s Day. While we will appreciate the day with our parents and families, I do think we should also ap­­plaud a special kind of parent: the Single Parent.

There are many reasons for single parenthood: things just don’t work out, the death of a spouse, a divorce or an errant husband/wife who’s gone missing.

Life as a single parent can be fulfilling and yet challenging. I’m not one, but many of my friends are, and the dynamics of our friendships and relationships are different.

Nothing to complain about – if anything, I salute my single mum and dad friends, because I do not think I would have that strength, humour and courage – and yes, the sensibilities – to be one.

And I have learned one thing about children. They are very resilient.

If meeting up with friends before meant a bunch of single men and women enjoying a night out, or a bunch of friends and their partners having a private dinner in a nice restaurant, these days meeting up means children will be part of the group.

My single parent friends are always apologetic: “The maid’s gone, may I bring ... if it’s not too much trouble?”

As someone who has hosted friends’ pets in her home (don’t ask, long story), having my friends’ children over is a treat.

“You don’t have Astro, Aunty Dina?”

“I don’t watch TV.”

“Your house has no lift, Aunty Dina!”

“I’m poor.”

“Aunty Dina! What kind of apartment is this! No DVD, no Astro, no lift!”

You can’t swear or make sexual innuendoes as children pick up these things fast. (“Eee, Mummy, Uncle said that word! Hahaha!”)

And you learn one thing too: being a single parent can be the best job in the world but also frustrating. Having to deal with a former spouse’s new wife/husband. Fighting over alimony. Messed-up schedules that keep clashing with holidays and work. Still wanting to kill the ex-husband/wife. Two screaming kids wanting toys but not being able to afford it.

While the single mothers have their share of woes, the single father friends I have will encounter, and fret over, such stressful situations as shopping ... for young women’s undergarments.

Text messages asking us girls: “Er, does standing in front of the ladies’ lingerie department while the daughter, er, tries on stuff make me look like a dirty old man?”

Or: “Aaaaaaaaa, Dina, I am confused! Why can’t bras just come in Small, Medium and Large?!”

I don’t even ask how they deal with menstruation or sanitary pads.

Dating single parents or dating for single parents can be ... also interesting. It’s a conundrum that can give anyone a migraine. Even a one hour coffee catch-up can be stressful.

Who’s going to look after my child? Will the date accept me as a single dad/mum?

Yes, even men go through all this hysteria. Even in this day and age, there are parents who want their sons and daughters to date and marry singletons without baggage.

The stigma of being a single parent is worse for women. Sometimes dating one can spring a surprise. Thinking it’ll be a lovely dinner and get-to-know-you-session, you may find a seven-year-old staring curiously at you.

The kid has come on the date. What do you do? You can’t do anything. This is it: you date a single dad, you have to accommodate.

Single parents looking to settling down again can be rabid, too. I’ve been on a date or two and barely survived the interrogation.

Will you make a good mother?

I don’t know, I’ve never been a mother. I’ve had cats though. Does that count?

If things work out between us, can you be a stepmother to my five children?

Aiyo, you got so many ah?

It’s just a first date. Can’t one just have dinner first?

The professional who is a single parent is a walk in the park compared with those who come from underprivileged backgrounds. The drug addict father whose wife has died. The poor single mother with eight children and not a job in sight. The widowed father who has to cope with a failing business and wild children.

Money does help, and when you don’t have it, you get desperate and feel hopeless.

Having met them in the course of duty, I can only wonder how they keep a family and themselves together. Poverty adds to the stigma of single parenthood.

Happy Parents’ Day, my friends. And of course your children. Pat yourselves on the back because you truly deserve it.

Here’s to more cupcakes, soapsuds, tears and laughter. And lastly, may good love come to you. The gang craves for a wedding or two.