Keys to a lasting marriage

Living happily ever after needn't only be for fairy tales. Australian researchers have identified what it takes to keep a couple together, and it's a lot more than just being in love.

A couple's age, previous relationships and even whether they smoke or not are factors that influence whether their marriage is going to last, according to a study by researchers from the Australian National University.

The study, entitled "What's Love Got to Do With It," tracked nearly 2,500 couples -- married or living together -- from 2001 to 2007 to identify factors associated with those who remained together compared with those who divorced or separated.

It found that a husband who is nine or more years older than his wife is twice as likely to get divorced, as are husbands who get married before they turn 25.

Children also influence the longevity of a marriage or relationship, with one-fifth of couples who have kids before marriage -- either from a previous relationship or in the same relationship -- having separated compared to just nine percent of couples without children born before marriage.

Women who want children much more than their partners are also more likely to get a divorce.

A couple's parents also have a role to play in their own relationship, with the study showing some 16 percent of men and women whose parents ever separated or divorced experienced marital separation themselves compared to 10 percent for those whose parents did not separate.

Also, partners who are on their second or third marriage are 90 percent more likely to separate than spouses who are both in their first marriage.

Not surprisingly, money also plays a role, with up to 16 percent of respondents who indicated they were poor or where the husband -- not the wife -- was unemployed saying they had separated, compared with only nine percent of couples with healthy finances.

And couples where one partner, and not the other, smokes are also more likely to have a relationship that ends in failure.

Factors found to not significantly affect separation risk included the number and age of children born to a married couple, the wife's employment status and the number of years the couple had been employed.

The study was jointly written by Dr Rebecca Kippen and Professor Bruce Chapman from The Australian National University, and Dr Peng Yu from the Department of Families, Housing, Community Services and Indigenous Affairs.

- REUTERS

Translating What Men Say Into What Men Mean

He says: "I'll call you."
He means: "I may call you."
This line isn't the slam dunk most women make it out to be. Besides being genuinely interested, there are a slew of reasons why a guy might ask for a number (he needs an ego boost... he wants a quick way to end the conversation... he bet his buddy he could score more digits, etc). The thing to remember here is that if he's into you, he will find a way to call. And, no, emailing, Facebooking or Twittering at him in the meantime isn't going to help your case. Give the guy a chance to pursue you -- if he doesn't, he's not the one for you anyway.

He says: "I like your shirt/necklace/shoes/hair."
He means: "You look good."
He may have an ulterior motive when he compliments you, but that doesn't make the praise any less sincere. The fact is, men are generally terrible at false flattery. Instead of accusing us of feeding you a line (we know we are!), feel good about the fact that we've noticed something about you that's attractive and memorable. Just don't ask us to remember the brand of those cute shoes.

He says: "I've been busy lately."
He means (if you've dated less than six months): "I've lost interest in you."
He means (if you've dated longer than that): "I like you, but I need to focus on other things."
Usually, this is the classic guy blow-off, but there are exceptions. "Don't forget the big picture," cautions Steve Santagati, who offers dating advice at badboysfinishfirst.com. If you've dated for a few months and your guy is usually there for you, don't hit the panic button over his recent short bouts of inattention. "Just because we get distracted by our jobs doesn't mean we don't care anymore," says Santagati.

He says: "I need some space."
He means: "This relationship is moving too fast."
Nobody's thrilled to hear this one, but "I need space" isn't always the kiss of death. Often men get excited about a new relationship and then struggle to turn down the temperature when they're suddenly seeing you six nights a week. First, confirm that he still wants to date. (Any answer besides yes means you should take your toothbrush and get out of there, stat.) Once that's confirmed, revert to early courtship behavior; make him schedule thoughtful dates in order to see you (no 3 A.M. texts). If the spark returns, still insist on a couple of girls-only nights a week for the next several months -- it'll be good for both of you.

He says: "I love spending time with you."
He means: "I love you... I think."
Guys are notoriously hesitant about dropping the L-bomb outright. When your man starts talking about how he loves specific aspects of the relationship, that's probably his way of dipping his toe in those waters. You should feel good about where things stand, even if the three magic words aren't directly uttered. "Guys aren't gifted at translating their feelings fluently to females," Santagati says. "Give a brother a break."

He says: "I don't believe in marriage."
He means: "I'm not going to marry you."
This is one of those maddening statements you simply can't overanalyze. He may truly oppose the institution. He may be immature. He may not care for you deeply enough. In any case, you have a better chance of making out with Brad Pitt than waiting for him to "come around." Either enjoy his company for what it is or move on.

He says: "I want this to last forever."
He means: "I'm really happy right now."
Most things a guy says about the future should be taken with a grain of salt. "When a guy says he likes you, he means he likes you right then and there," Santagati says. That doesn't mean men are unreliable jerks. But it does mean that when it comes to relationship stability, you should look at what your guy is doing instead of focusing on what he's saying. Santagati advises, "You're better off taking an observational stance." Is he physically affectionate? Does he remember things that are important to you? Does he support you when you need it?

- GLAMOUR
www.glamour.com

Dating Advice: 5 Traits That Bag a Boyfriend

Here are the qualities that make you more desirable to guys. Think of it as your pre-dating to-do list.

1. You're just that into yourself. A woman may have smarts, sensual appeal, and a sense of humor, but if she doesn't have self-confidence, most guys will take a pass. Single women with low self-esteem come across as extremely needy, explains Jim Houran, PhD, relationship psychologist. They have to be the center of attention and are constantly looking for reassurance and compliments. And even if you find a guy who at first is willing to be your personal cheerleader, before long he's probably going to start to agree with all the demeaning stuff you say about yourself and take a hike.

Surprisingly, the way to show you aren't that girl isn't necessarily to promote yourself, but rather to simply display interest and curiosity in the guy, says Houran. He'll take that willingness to share the spotlight and put someone besides yourself first as a sign of confidence.

2. You've got a burning passion... and not just for him. Whether it's a hobby, a job, classes, or a buzzing social life, single men are undeniably attracted to women with clear interests and lots of enthusiasm, according to Houran. It's as easy as dropping a few subtle hints about, say, the adventure you and your friends went on last weekend or how psyched you are to be on a new project at work. The benefits are twofold: The guy won't feel totally responsible for your happiness -- a huge weight to put on a new love interest -- and he'll be more inclined to want to be a part of your multifaceted life.

3. You know how to compromise. This is one of the most important skills to have if you're looking to get into a long-term relationship, emphasizes Houran.
Being flexible is a huge turn-on to guys, since it means less conflict and a smoother partnership in general, he adds. If a guy senses that the girl he's dating isn't willing to try to meet both their needs, he envisions a future of trivial disagreements, fighting, and ultimatums -- not exactly the makings of a happy twosome. Prove you know how to compromise early on by letting him weigh in on the restaurant choice or not acting annoyed if he needs to reschedule plans.

4. You dress for guys, not girls. If you're not turning heads, it could be because you dress to appeal to a woman's taste and not a man's taste. Skinny jeans, babydoll dresses, peasant tops -- all super cute, but you might as well be wearing a Snuggie. Men want to see curves, so stick with boot-cut jeans and a top that shows off your shoulders and waist. Just don't reveal too much, since that can come off as desperate.

5. You're over your ex. Nothing kills a budding romance quicker than being hung up on an old boyfriend. So before you get serious with a new guy, make sure you're not hoping -- or worse, trying -- to get back together with the ex or looking for someone just like him. It's relationship-repelling for two reasons: No eligible bachelor wants to feel like he's in an unwinnable competition, and if you're living in the past, you won't truly be motivated to meet and make a connection with new guys. So ladies, move on and get an upgrade.

Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.

When love hurts

By DR NOR ASHIKIN MOKHTAR

The problem of painful sexual intercourse should be addressed sooner rather than later.

Every now and then, a patient will walk into my clinic with a “difficult” issue. At first, she will be quite reluctant to talk about it, but as I probe further, she will eventually reveal that she has been experiencing problems with her spouse due to painful sexual intercourse.

Pain during intercourse is also known as dyspareunia. For many women, it is not easy to talk openly about this problem as sex is not often discussed publicly in our culture. Not only is it a very personal issue, it also relates to a woman’s self-esteem and confidence in her relationship with her partner.

However, pain during intercourse should not be swept under the carpet, as the physical pain will not go away and it will lead to emotional and relationship problems further down the road.

Don’t lie back and accept it

The first step to addressing the problem is accepting that the problem exists. Painful sex is a complex issue and isn’t the same for everyone.

Some women may experience some discomfort occasionally, while others experience pain, or what they classify as pain. Some women feel pain during penetration, but others may even experience pain with sexual touching.

Painful intercourse is not a straightforward condition with black-and-white causes and symptoms. Therefore, to address it, you have to be open with yourself, your partner and your doctor, in order to figure out what causes it and how to overcome it.

Ask yourself: When did sex start to hurt (has it always hurt)? When does the pain begin (is it as you’re getting excited, only during penetration, related to orgasm)? Where do you feel the pain (is it in one specific area, or more general)? Are there still things you can do sexually that don’t cause pain?

Your doctor will be able to help you think about the possible physical or psychological causes of painful sex.

Physical causes of painful sex

The most common physical cause of painful intercourse is vaginal dryness, caused by lack of lubrication. There are all sorts of reasons why women experience vaginal dryness, but using a personal lubricant can be an easy and effective way to treat this problem and eliminate a major cause of painful sex.

It also helps to relax during intercourse and increase the amount of foreplay.

There are also a myriad of conditions that can result in painful intercourse:

·Vaginismus – This is a common condition where the vaginal muscles spasm, and it is mainly caused by the fear of being hurt.

·Vaginal infections – Infections like a yeast infection can cause soreness and discomfort during intercourse.

·Problems with the cervix – Any condition or infection affecting the cervix can cause pain during deep penetration (where the penis reaches the cervix).

·Problems with the uterus and ovaries – If there are fibroids or cysts in the uterus or ovaries, pain can arise during deep penetration.

·Endometriosis – This is a painful condition in which the endometrium (tissue lining the uterus) grows outside the uterus.

·Pelvic Inflammatory Disease – In PID, the tissues deep inside become severely inflamed and the pressure of intercourse causes deep pain.

·Ectopic pregnancy – This is a pregnancy where a fertilised egg develops outside of the uterus.

·Menopause – Older women experience vaginal dryness because the vaginal lining can lose its normal moisture when menopause sets in.

·Intercourse too soon after surgery or childbirth – Surgery or childbirth causes trauma to a woman’s body, so she needs time to heal before resuming intercourse again.

·Sexually transmitted diseases – STDs can include genital warts, herpes sores or other infections that cause vaginal pain and soreness.

·Injury to the vulva or vagina – These injuries may include a tear from childbirth or from a cut (episiotomy) in the perenium (area of skin between the vagina and the anus) that is made during labour.

Psychological causes of painful sex

Some causes of painful intercourse are psychological, although this does not mean that you are crazy or that it isn’t real.

Some women (and men) have only had coercive or violent sexual experiences. When your sexual experiences have never been consensual or pleasurable, it isn’t surprising that your body doesn’t learn to enjoy sex (even if you are with a partner whom you like or love).

Part of this is due to the way your mind anticipates pain. If you experienced pain during sex previously (whether due to assault, a physical condition or a wrong position), you will begin to anticipate pain the next time you have sex.

First, you will probably be less tuned into what’s going on in your body, and you may find your arousal is lowered, along with less lubrication.

Anticipation can also make the pain feel more intense because your body may be tense, and this results in more pain.

Overcoming this psychological block requires support and therapy so that you will learn to experience a positive sex life again.

Another psychological factor that leads to painful intercourse is lack of interest in sex. There are times when each of us are not in the mood to have sex, even though our partners are. For women, this can result in painful sex because of low arousal and lack of vaginal lubrication.

Can sex ever be good again?

The most important thing to know is that sex doesn’t have to hurt. Just because you have had painful sexual experiences before, it does not mean that it always has to be this way. Some physical conditions require simple interventions, such as the use of water-based lubricants or prescription medications. Some conditions may require sexual therapy, especially if abuse is involved.

Most importantly, communicate with your partner. It can be difficult to talk about sex, especially when it’s not going well, even for couples who have been together for years. However, ignoring it can sometimes make things worse as it leads to emotional problems and compounds the tension.

Be honest, patient and creative – you will find a way to enjoy sex again without the pain. And being open about your sexual relationship will eventually lead to a better sex life.

- THE STAR

10 thing guys hate about girls

1 - Stop asking us to call you every damm day. We have a life too. It doesn't ONLY revolve around you.

In other words, give us some space. This doen't apply if you're clad in skimpy lingerie.


2 - Stop taking hours to get ready for a date. It's no fun waiting like an idiot

Just wear the FIRST OUTFIT you choose. We don't care! It's going to come off sooner or leter.

3 - Leave the smoking to us. I't a gay thing.

Don't ask us why. Most of us prefer girls who don't light up.

4 - Playing us out is jmust plain mean. We don't enjoy paying for every dammthing if you're no interested.

We have feelings too. If you're not ibterested, just say it!!

5 - Not every meal has to be in classy, posh places. Cut us some slack. We don't print money.

Most ot us students can't afford taking you on fine-dining every day of the week. One or twice a month is ok. So stop being harsh on us.

6 - When you make us go from shop to shop 4 hours and end up baying theshirt from the FIRST shop, we hate it.

We understand what you want good bargains. Think of our feeling andabused FEET. Imagine if we took you DOTA-ing for 5 hours stainght. (Now you feel us?)

7 - PMS is no excuse to be mean.

Screaming at us and freaking out on us just isn't right. Just deal the best you can by taking care of yourself. We can only do so much.

8 -Talking about your "big" butt is so boring.

Guys hate to listen to a girl's insecurities about her body. Put it this way,we find the National Geographic channel more interesting.

9 -Show some skin. There's nothing wrong with looking hot. Being plain is so last season.

I't not flattering being drab and you can't blame us for checking out other hotter chicks.

10 -There's nothing wrong with girls making the first move. Heck, we find itflattering.

If you like us, make a move. It shows how confident you are and howkeen you are on us. We like that.

Who Is 'The Someone' Who Loves You?

1. Someone who sees the best in you.

If you were lucky enough to grow up with healthy parents, you have experienced the feeling of having someone who has always looked at your good qualities. Many of us missed that experience. You will be a lucky person if you have found a mate who is always looking at your 'silver lining'. Too often today people are more than willing to judge you by your errors, not by your potential.

2. Someone who gives you the benefit of the doubt.

There are so many times in your life when you need that little edge, that little opportunity to take just that extra step. It can seem as if your efforts are going nowhere and although you want to keep moving forward, there are so many negatives staring you in the face. That person who knows things could go either way for you but takes that leap to believe you will make it is the person who is more valuable to you than gold.

3. Someone who watches over you.

You need a guardian angel who is there, waiting to catch you if you fall, ready to help you when you stumble, ready to pave the way for you when you cannot get moving. There are people who love you who do just that. There are people who do not make a big deal out of saving your bacon. Do you know who they are?

4. Someone to watch you back.

You never know these days who is waiting to catch you off guard, to make sure you don't do well, to sabotage your efforts. You like to think that people will rejoice when you do well. Many don't. If someone 'has your back' and runs interference for you when you are trying to run the gauntlet through life, give that person a big 'thanks' plus lots of your attention.

5. The person who tells you we all make mistakes.

You hate to be around that judgmental, harsh person who reminds you, 'I told you so', when things go south. You don't need anyone else telling you what you already know. On the other hand there are people who just let you know that the only way any of us learn is through experience. When you have really ended up in the dumper and blew it, stay close to the one who knows that the person who hasn't done anything wrong hasn't done anything much.

6. The person who gives you advice from the heart, not from the head.

When the situation gets rough and some big decisions need to be made, it's fine to have people outline the pros and cons of a problem and give you 'head' answers. But if you need a nudge sometimes to tip the scales, you always listen to this person who knows you must do what will let you live with yourself and have self respect.

7. The person who won't be the 'yes man' who agrees with you

No one who loves you is going to give you the green light and tell you to let er rip if it's clearly going to be bad for you. It's sad that often you surround yourself with people who tell you what you want to hear. The one who loves you will tell you to get help for a drinking or drugging problem, to stop the extramarital affair, and to be a good and decent person.

8. Someone who tells you to knock back, smell the roses, and enjoy life part of the time.

If you are a person who is a real performer and doer, there are likely to be people around you who enjoy the fruits of your labor and want you to do even more. Sometimes you may even see yourself as only valuable when you are giving, doing, and performing. Listen to the person who tells you that life is short and you need breaks and some R&R. That is the person who is looking out for you and your health.

9. The one who smiles at you and means it.

The person who loves you looks at you with eyes that smile and mean it. Too many people give you that slick smile, that quick pat on the back, and then forget that you even exist.

The eyes are the windows of our soul and you can read into a person's smile if it is saying, 'You are a fine person and I want to be with you as long as possible'. Don't fall for any phony smile that attracts you off in another direction, only to leave you stranded and alone.

10. Someone who sees you as beautiful, inside and out.

You know you aren't perfect. There are only too many examples of you looking around and thinking that you have flaws and aren't like the people on television. The person who loves you sees you through eyes of acceptance with no conditions. As you gain a few pounds and your hair gets thin, the person who sees you as attractive, inviting, and appealing is the person who loves you all the way, no strings or demands.

Nowadays, it's really important to know who loves you. Everything in our society is throw away, and many people have carried that over into the most important relationships in their lives. Think hard and look carefully. People who love you, like comfortable clothes, are easy on the heart, mind, and soul.

Give Love To Someone Today

Today before you think of saying an unkind word
Think of someone who cant speak

Before you complain about the taste of your food
Think of someone who has nothing to eat

Before you complain about your husband or wife
Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion

Today before you complain about life
Think of someone who went too early to heaven

Before you complain about your children
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren

Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep
Think of the people who are living in the streets

Before whining about the distance you drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet

And when you are tired and complain about your job
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wished they had your job

But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answer to one maker

And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down
Put a smile on your face and thank God you're alive and still around

Life is a gift
Live it...
Enjoy it...
Celebrate it...
And fulfill it.

And while you are at it give love to someone today
Love someone with what you do and the words you say
Love is not meant to be kept locked inside of us and hidden
So give it away "Give Love to someone today!"

25 Actions To Say ‘I Love You’

1. Place notes in your lover’s lunch telling him how much you love him.

2. Page you sweetheart with an I Love You page.

3. Give her a soft kiss.

4. Make everyday things special.

5. Give your love a little note or sending him an e-mail with a poem in it.

6. Listen to her every word.

7. Making a list of everything you love about them. No matter how stupid.

8. Spend quality time with the one you love.

9. Have flowers delivered with a note attached saying simply, “I love you.”

10. Give unexpected hugs and kisses in unexpected places.

11. Cook them their favorite meal.

12. Hold each other when you fall asleep.

13. Just be together.

14. Give your love a long hard kiss on the lips, followed by a gift.

15. Sending romantic postcards on a daily basis.

16. Get off work early and surprise your sweetheart with a dozen roses and dinner, just because.

17. Spend all week thinking of something special for the weekend and then… do it!

18. Give him a loving smile from across the room.

19. Draw or obtain a new romantic picture of two lovers in each others grasp and give it to your love as a reminder of your passion.

20. If you live quite a distance from your love, surprise them with a visit.

21. When she is asleep in the morning, cover her with rose petals and wake her up to an I love you breakfast in bed.

22. Secretly write S-H-M-I-L-Y anywhere your lover will find it. SHMILY= See How Much I Love You.

23. Have a romantic weekend.

24. For a week, smothering your spouse with all the small intimate things they like.

25. Do a simple act of kindness, such as a backrub when he feels sick, to brighten his day.

Test - How attractive are you??

Hey, try it out and see how attractive youcan be to the oppositesex.

1. Which place do u want to have a travel most?

A.Beijing ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... go to q.2

B.Tokyo ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... go to q.3

C.Paris ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .go to q.4


2. Have you ever cried when u see a touching movie?

A. Yes... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..go to q.4

B. No... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .go to q.3


3. If your boyfriend or girlfriend still hasnot come after an hour of yourdate with him/her, what will you do?

A. wait for another 30 mins... ... ... ... ... ..go to q.4

B. leave immediately... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .go to q.5

C. wait until he/she comes... ... ... ... ... ... go to q.6


4. Do u like to go to see a movie alone?

A.Yes... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..go to q.5

B.No... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .go to q.6


5. When he/she asks for a kiss in your first date, what will you do?

A.Refuse... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..go to q.6

B. light kiss on his/herforehand... ... ... ..go to q.7

C. Agree and kiss him/her... ... ... ... ... ... .go to q.8


6. Are you a humorous person?

A. I think Iam... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..go to q.7

B. I think I amnot... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .go to q.8


7. Do you think you are a capable leader?

A.Yes... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..go to q.9

B.No... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... go to q.10


8. Which gender will you choose to be bornif you are given achance?

A.Male... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .go to q.9

B.Female... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..go to q.10

C. I don'tmind... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..Type D (go straight toresults below)


9. Have you ever got more than oneboyfriends or girlfriends at a time

A.Yes... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..Type B (gostraight toresults below)

B.No... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Type A (go straighttoresults below)


10. Do you think you are intelligent?

A.Yes... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..Type B (go straightto results below)

B.No... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Type C (go straighttoresults below)


RESULTS

Type A : Congratulations! You can extremely attract the oppositesex!
Youpossess a charming beauty in the eyes of them.You not only have aprettyfigure,
but also have a humorousand gentle personality.Youshould be a literate person
and know how toget along with people andcanallocateyour time well,
thus you arealways popular among theopposite sex.


Type B : Quite good! You can easily attractthe opposite sex, butyou will not easily into the loving trap. Your humor makes them want to get along with you. He/She will behappy being with you!


Type C : Not bad! You cannot attract theopposite sex very well, but you still have something good which make them like to get along with you.

You should be an honest personand have a unique view inseeingthings.
You are quite friendly in the eyes ofyour friends.


Type D : Oh! You do not attract the oppositesex.
You do not havemuchknowledge, and not much intrinsic humane values.
You are too rude totheopposite sex. Thus you are not very popular among them.

The Meaning Of Love

To love is to share life together
to build special plans just for two
to work side by side
and then smile with pride
as one by one, dreams all come true.

To love is to help and encourage
with smiles and sincere words of praise
to take time to share
to listen and care
in tender, affectionate ways.

To love is to have someone special
one who you can always depend
to be there through the years
sharing laughter and tears
as a partner, a lover, a friend.

To love is to make special memories
of moments you love to recall
of all the good things
that sharing life brings
love is the greatest of all.

I've learned the full meaning
of sharing and caring
and having my dreams all come true;
I've learned the full meaning
of being in love
by being and loving with you.

The relationship between men and women in Islam

The relationship between men and women in Islam is addressed in the Quran and further in the Sunnah. Islam explains to us how to achieve tranquility in marriage and how to reach the highest potential in all other aspects of life.

[ And one of His [Allah’s] signs is that He created mates for you from yourselves that you may find tranquillity in them, and He put between you love and mercy; most surely there are signs in this for people who reflect.) (Ar-Rum 30:21)

Inspired by our belief that better communication within Muslim families, especially between husbands and wives, is the cornerstone for building a strong, actively involved family, we wanted to shed some light on what we believe happens often in many marriage stories.

A relationship between a husband and a wife is like a garden; if it’s to thrive, it must be watered regularly, with “weather hazards” taken into account, such as any unpredictable draught or storm. New seeds must be sown, and weeds must be pulled out (Gray).

Love’s Springtime

The Prophet said, “Nothing is better for those in love than marriage.”
(Ibn Majah and authenticated by Al-Albani)

One fatwa of Shiekh Al-Qaradawi, the prominent Muslim scholar, states what means that love is lawful in Islam as long as that love comes in spite of the person, that person doesn’t go out of the way especially to seek these emotions, and that all Islamic guidelines are kept in mind. However, there is a suggestion that the traditional route for marriage usually has better results.

The beginning of love is its springtime; this is when you feel that you will stay happy forever. This corresponds to the Islamic engagement and `aqd (official documentation of marriage) time and may last for a few months before marriage! During that time, you always find excuses to your partner’s mistakes; you may even become unable to see the mistakes or differences. But this fire of emotions in many cases does not stay forever. Marriage and family therapist Glenn Lutjens suggests that this change takes place in every relationship because of three factors:time, distance, and desire.

Time.

When you get married, you have more time to observe your spouse’s behavior. You see things that weren’t so noticeable at “springtime.”

Distance.

You now see him up close. There’s no “see you next week.” You now see him when he’s hungry and tired. Women may have their “time of the month,” and men have their “time of the day”! When his stomach is empty, you may see a whole new side of your man you never knew existed.

Desire.

Some of the behavior during those days probably wasn’t so deliberate. That type of romantic fire shapes one’s actions; loving deeds come easily to one so smitten by romance. You probably felt the same excitement, with your reactions being affected as well. We tend to construct a person in our minds to match the excitement we want to feel. We mentally vision that person in a way that will make us happiest.

Love’s Summertime

Eventually we realize that our partner is not as perfect as we thought and that we have to work on our relationship. Plants need to be watered even more frequently under a hot sun; this is how the relationship between a husband and a wife should be enriched when it’s no longer easy to give or to get love. Therefore, always remember Prophet Muhammad’s advice:

Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) as saying: A believing man [husband] should not hate a believing woman [his wife]; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another. (Sahih Muslim. Book 8, Number 3469)

Many couples become disillusioned after a few of months in wedlock. They give up working on the relationship and blame one another. They forget that it cannot be “springtime” all the time. Yet, no one wants to live in summer forever. So hold your breath and gather all the wisdom that Allah gave you to go through this stage and reach the tranquility, mercy, and love mentioned in the verse. These will be the lasting, calm, and warm emotions of love between a husband and wife who are living for the sake of Allah.

You can think that way: Is this the person I want to continue the rest of my life with? If the answer is “no,” then you will not be willing to invest much in this relation anyway, you will give it a weak try and then give up. If the answer is “yes,” then the question becomes “What do I do now that I found out my partner in not what I thought?” Debating whether your partner misrepresented himself or herself or you misread your partner won’t solve anything. Here are some things you may consider doing:

Choose to love your partner. Remember that it’s Allah Who makes the “love and mercy happen between the husband and the wife.

Seek Allah’s help and ask Him to make that “chemistry” happen. Also, open your heart and give your partner the benefit of doubt; stand in your partner’s shoes and try to see things from his or her perspective.

Look at how you may have changed as well after marriage.

You will not be able to actually change someone. All you can do is provide a different and favorable environment for your partner to want to change.

Realize that you may have legitimate concerns.Voice them to your partner in a constructive way with the hope that he or she will be willing to work toward change or at least understand your concerns.

Express with respect. Use “I-messages”: “I” feel and “I” think, not “you” did such and such.

Invest in this family. Paradise is worth your best effort. A little whisper in the wife’s ear is, “Allah made one important mission in this life which is to make this family happy.” The motive is wonderful.

The Prophet said,
“If a woman prayed the five prayers, fasted in Ramadan, protected her honor, and obeyed her husband, then she will be told (on the Day of Judgment): Enter Paradise from any of its (eight) doors”. (Ibn Hibban)

Do not listen to voices like “He is no better than you are! Why do you have to listen?” The Prophet mentioned the advice for a reason, so do not ruin your life. Instead, invite love to your house and be patient. It is love and happiness in this life and Paradise in the hereafter.